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As much money as is lost betting football games around the country, you would think football is unpredictable. It isn’t. You know more about what is going to happen in the coming football season than you think you do. Doubt me? Read on.
College football
1. The winner of college football’s national championship game will have its title vacated the following year because of NCAA violations.
2. It will be revealed that the winner of the 2011 Heisman Trophy will have made more money playing collegiate football than Winston Justice playing for the Eagles.
3. After Penn State beats Temple for the 1,000th straight time, someone in Navy and White will holler “We are Penn State.” I, in turn, will shout “F-you.”
5. Notre Dame will be picked in preseason polls to finish in the top-20. Notre Dame will finish 6-6.
6. There will be 10 new bowl games designated by the NCAA, one of which will bear the name of a local exterminator.
7. Boise State will go undefeated and not receive one first-place vote.
8. There will be a controversy over which team should be ranked No. 1 at the end of the season.
9. The NCAA will reject going to a playoff system.
10. At the end of the 2011 season, every major college football team will switch conferences.
Pro football
1. The Eagles will lose six games, all of which will involve Andy Reid mismanaging the clock in the final two minutes, Reid losing a challenge, the offensive line failing to protect Michael Vick, Vick getting injured (he’ll miss two weeks), and the inability to run the ball one-yard into the end zone.
2. Ray Didinger will suggest that Reid run the ball more after a loss where Vick throws the ball 50 times.
3. Angelo Cataldi will call for the firing of Reid after every loss.
4. Mike Missanelli will take an innocuous quote from Donovan McNabb and turn it into a week of sports talk.
5. DeSean Jackson will not catch a pass in the season opener and fans will question whether his lack of a contract is affecting his play.
6. Jackson will catch a 72-yard touchdown in the second game of the season and return a punt 89 yards. He will get hurt in the third game of the season and fans will question whether he is durable enough to sign to a long-term deal.
7. The Eagles will sign Jackson to a long-term deal during the bye week.
8. There will be a surprise team in the NFL that finished last in 2010 and makes the playoffs as a wild card this season. Last year’s surprise team will revert back to its status as a last-place loser. The reason for both occurrences will mainly be the difference in strength of schedule.
9. Brett Favre will become the latest poor ex-athlete network analyst.
10. Everyone on the panel of the Fox “Pregame Show” will laugh uproariously at something unintelligible uttered by Terry Bradshaw.
11. There will be exactly four kickoffs returned in the entire NFL season, all after onside kickoffs. The rule will be changed next season.
12. Someone from the Cincinnati Bengals will be arrested on odd numbered weeks of the season. Someone from the Oakland Raiders will be arrested on even numbered weeks of the season.
13. On “Sports Final,” Howard Eskin will defend Reid’s decision to pass three straight downs from the half-foot line in losing to the Giants. John Clark will get frustrated.
14. By the halfway mark of the season, Vick will be playing with a flak jacket and an ankle boot.
15. At the same time, Vince Young will complain about lack of playing time.
16. After Todd Herremanns is injured and four other backups fail to protect Vick’s blind side, Howard Mudd decides to make a comeback as a player.
17. Someone in South Philly will lose a year’s worth of wages betting football the first weekend of the season and try to win it back by doubling his bet on the Monday Night game.
18. Jon Gruden will be rumored leaving the TV booth to return to coaching. Gruden will not leave, but instead spend each week, during his game analysis, trying to find synonyms for the same superlative.
19. At least half of the TV analysts will suggest eliminating the kickoff and recommend placing the ball on the 20-yard line. The really creative analysts will also suggest eliminating the extra point.
20. Alex Henery will miss a field goal and all of us will get overly nostalgic for David Akers, who will miss a few of his own. No one will get nostalgic for Sav Rocca.
21. If Mike Kafka gets to play, some sportswriter will show off his or her literacy by making comparisons to Franz Kafka.
22. The Detroit Lions will lose on Thanksgiving Day.
23. Tony Dungy will act as a mentor for Plaxico Burress. Plaxico will say he doesn’t need prayers or counseling, just better aim.
24. A member of the media will lapse into a coma during an Andy Reid media conference and become the first person in the history of civilization to literally be bored to death.
25. The Eagles will make the playoffs, but lose to a team over which they are favored. Jeffrey Lurie will reaffirm his support for Andy. Andy will say, “I should have put the players in a better position to succeed.”
Andy Reid will, as F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote, “… drift on forever seeking, a little wistfully, for the dramatic turbulence of some irrecoverable football game.”
In this case, that game is the elusive Super Bowl. And with Reid, it seems that we are all fated to seek that sparkling ring a little wistfully forever. SPR
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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