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T or F: The Spectrum has celebrated its closing more times than Brett Favre has retired.
T or F: Female partners of Tiger Woods have been heard to remark, “I’ve got a Tiger in my tank.”
T or F: You wish Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien both would go away and take David Letterman with them.
T or F: You don’t want the government to run health care, but you’ll kill anyone who tries to take away your government-run Medicare.
T or F: You always believed a Republican and a former male model would be the heir to Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat.
T or F: You have been dining at salad bars for years and all you have to show for it is an extra 40 pounds.
T or F: Trying to decide between KFC’s fried or grilled chicken keeps you awake at night.
T or F: Rush Limbaugh’s remark we shouldn’t contribute to Haitian relief just shows how incredibly crabby you can get when you run out of Vicodin.
T or F: As a Christian, you find yourself wishing Pat Robertson were an atheist.
T or F: You always vote for the American Idol, but rarely vote for the president and you find the former more meaningful.
T or F: You want to lose weight, but can’t decide whether to try the Taco Bell diet or Jared’s hoagies.
T or F: You will miss football on Sundays more than you would sex.
T or F: You not only agree with Michael Vick being chosen the Most Courageous Eagle, you think Joe Banner should be voted Mr. Congeniality.
T or F: You think the world would be a better place if we listened to more folk music.
T or F: President Obama grading himself a B+ is a little like President Obama winning the Noble Peace Prize after nine months in office.
T or F: You enjoy the unique experience of flying commercial these days. You also are a big fan of root canal.
T or F: When Shania Twain wears a black miniskirt and high black boots, you almost become a fan of country music. Almost.
T or F: Your lover insists you dress like Lady Gaga when having sex.
T or F: The reality show “Jersey Shore” was adapted from your last season in Margate.
T or F: Unless Ed Snider’s Flyers win the Stanley Cup this year, we should stop addressing him as Mr. Snider. Maybe we should call him, “Hey you!”
T or F: You are not a violent person, but you have the urge to do serious harm to the perky Progressive Insurance girl.
T or F: You have feelings of inadequacy because you can’t tell the difference between Diet Coke and Coke Zero — neither of which tastes like the real Coke.
T or F: Your memory is so good you remember when Republicans voted for something.
T or F: It’s a sign of the impending apocalypse your library has more DVDs, CDs and audio books than actual printed books.
T or F: An Italian eating at the Olive Garden is like a Jew eating a Dunkin’ Donuts bagel. Both have lost their souls.
T or F: You have been to sex rehab, but you couldn’t break the habit.
T or F: Self-abuse is the only kind of abuse you wholeheartedly endorse.
T or F: You often judge a book by its cover because who has time to read?
T or F: Weather forecasters should concentrate on getting the five-day forecast correct before they try the 10-day.
T or F: Because of their super-efficiency in Haiti, you think Israel should run our health-care system.
Score:
Ten or less correct means there is still hope, with the proper medication, you can lead a normal life.
Twenty to 29 correct means you need to find a hobby.
All 30 correct means you are crazy enough to be a regular reader of this column.
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