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I can do without street “musicians.” In my world, if you can’t play “do re mi” without hitting the wrong note, your instrument should be taken away. I’m OK with your right to bear arms, but where in the constitution does it give you the right to play an instrument badly in public? I’m waiting 20 minutes for a bus in town while some guy with a sax is mutilating the memory of John Coltrane? Give me a break! Look, in my mind, I sing like Sinatra, but you wouldn’t want me standing on a corner at 17th and Chestnut streets singing “Come Fly With Me” nonstop for eight hours. …
I can do without Kim Kardashian and her wedding. I wouldn’t go if I received an invitation. What is it exactly that Kim does to be worth $35 million? That’s $17.5 million per buttock. What the hell is the going rate for amateur porn videos with bad lighting anyway? What is her talent besides providing an end zone for professional athletes? In five years, you’ll be able to serve dinner for eight on her fanny. …
I can do without South Jersey. When your culture consists of “Jersey Shore,” an overweight governor, shopping malls and bad food, I think I’ll take the occasional flash mob. Why do so many South Philadelphians run to South Jersey to shop? You can’t buy a house dress in Center City and keep the tax dollars here? We have the Reading Terminal; they have Aunt Millie’s pretzels. And don’t tell me about the shows in Atlantic City. Is it really a hot ticket to see somebody do impressions of Julio Iglesias? …
I can do without Rick Perry. I know things are bad, Obama haters, but do we really need George Bush lite? If this Texas governor wants to secede from the Union, I am all for it. I support Perry for president of the Confederacy. If he becomes president, does that make Dana Carvey relevant again? Perry thinks climate change is open for debate; this is after his state suffered the worst drought in its history. Back east, we’ve had record snowstorms in the winter as well as record floods and an earthquake in the summer with pestilence and famine no doubt on the way, and Perry thinks it can all be solved with a prayer meeting in an outdoor stadium and another tax cut for the rich. …
I can do without sports talk radio on FM. Mike Missanelli and Anthony Gargano are paisanos. Glen Macnow — I don’t think so. But do I really need to hear them in stereo? Will Doogie from the Northeast really sound better when he asks his next stupid question? What about good music on FM? That’s what they used to play for three-and-a-half minutes between 15 minutes of commercials when I used to listen to FM radio. Incidentally, I know the consensus is that the demise of WYSP-FM came about when Howard Stern left. Let me clear up that myth. It was all downhill for them when they refused to renew my contract in 2002. It was in a Nostradamus prophecy. …
I can do without Moammar Gadhafi. First off, it seems to me that when you have the absolute power of a dictator, you can afford a better barber. And how many sons does this guy have? Every time we bombed Libya or raided a compound, another Gadhafi son was reported captured or killed. No wonder the guy became a dictator. He had a lot of mouths to feed. By the way, I ordered a hit on Gadhafi myself because I can never figure out how to spell his name. The end of Gadhafi means another proofreader will be laid off. …
I can do without panelists with British accents on TV. Why is it we require at least one judge on every idiotic TV talent show to speak with a British accent? Does a British accent make Sharon Osbourne’s inane comments sound intelligent? Look, when you choose Ozzy Osbourne as a husband, you automatically lose IQ points. And will someone please get Simon Cowell a shirt with a collar before “The X-Factor” debuts? Finally, to rest my case, how’s Piers Morgan working out?…
I can do without the front page of The Daily News. Sorry, Larry Platt. You once wrote something nice about me when I had a gig on WIP 100 years ago, and I had it framed and hung over my four-poster bed, but really? With Arlene Ackerman gone, the front page of The Daily News will probably be blank, at least until the next Phillies parade down Broad Street. …
Speaking of Ackerman, I can do without the School Reform Commission. How bad is it when you have “reform” in your name and you need to be reformed? These people not only are responsible for hiring Ackerman in the first place, they actually extended her contract, and negotiated a $1.5 million buyout as part of the deal. And we liberals think Obama is a lousy negotiator. …
I can do without cholesterol tests and cardiograms. What do they prove? Every person I ever knew who died of a sudden heart attack had good results on them one day before they kicked the bucket. Think about it. If tests showed a person was likely to die of a heart attack, then it wouldn’t be sudden, would it? I spend two weeks in training before I take a cholesterol test eating stuff drenched in fish oil with steamed vegetables. Who am I fooling? SPR
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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