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Republicans in Philly have been declared an endangered species under the 1973 act of the same name. One city Republican indicated he’s always dreamed of being lumped with the leatherback sea turtle. It should be noted more leatherback sea turtles have been seen in the city than Republicans since the party last held City Hall.
Some Republicans blamed the endangered designation on mayoral candidate, Karen Brown. She countered by pointing out that her registration switch to run for mayor has increased the number of Republicans in the city by one. And that’s not including close friends and family members who also have switched. Brown blamed incumbent Mayor Michael Nutter for the Republicans becoming an endangered specie. Nutter, she said, has friends in Washington who influenced the decision.
Sources close to the Republican City Committee claim the party is actually pleased by the designation. Hunting Republicans is now officially off-limits.
“It also means that more city residents won’t be afraid to wear Karen Brown for Mayor buttons,” a Republican official said, “and that has to be a good thing.”
Incidentally, it is not true the Republican City Committee is housed in a tent in FDR Park as previously reported. I also apologize for the false report that the tent was being removed, along with signs criticizing Eagles coach Andy Reid. Only the signs were removed.
In other news regarding the Brown campaign, staffers have denied they have abandoned her website, despite the fact that as of last week, there was no news posted after Sept. 10. One staffer pointed out their candidate had produced a low-cost TV ad that shows Brown posed in front of a “memorial” that was staged at her personal expense, the staffer said noting “the teddy bear cost a fortune.”
For some reason only known to the Republican committee, no funding was given to their endorsed GOP candidate.
In case you missed the ad, Brown blames the mayor for an increase in the violent deaths of children, the rise in quinoa popularity and the hula hoop’s return. In the only TV debate, Brown blamed the mayor’s public dancing to Gamble and Huff tunes for the flash mobs in Center City. Gamble and Huff are split on whether Nutter’s dancing has hurt or helped their record sales.
This columnist has discovered Nutter vetoed Brown’s idea for a series of seven, three-hour debates without a moderator in the style of the famous Lincoln-Douglas debates. Insiders noted Nutter was fearful of not only Brown’s fierce debating style, but her pointy-toed shoes that left noticeable marks on his shins during the televised debate. Nutter denies the fear factor, noting Neosporin had worked wonders the last time in healing his cuts, adding that his wife has kicked him in the shins occasionally to make a point at the dinner table.
The mayor defended his record the last four years. During tough economic times, Nutter pointed out that there has not been a decline in city services.
“If you were unable to get a cop to come out to your home after you were robbed before the economic downturn, you were unable to get one during the current recession,” he said adding streets were cleaned just as infrequently as before. “Besides, would you rather have John Street back?”
Brown is running on a platform of adding cops and firemen, reducing teen violence, helping small businesses, reducing the number of city workers, reforming the school system and simultaneously cutting taxes. In Republican circles, this is known as tough realism. She said she has always had the kids of this city at heart.
“You have to,” she says, “to work as a teacher in the parochial school system for those wages.”
Brown defeated John Featherman by 57 votes to win the Republican nomination. The committee endorsed her after conducting a vigorous sidewalk effort in vain to get anyone of voting age to accept their nomination. A homeless person indicated his willingness to become the nominee so long as he could move the mayor’s office outside City Hall if he won. His candidacy was narrowly rejected in a smoke-filled room in the Union League basement.
Along partisan lines, City Council defeated a Republican proposal to allow suburban voters to participate in voting for mayor. This year the following Republican bills went down to defeat in council : One to honor Mother Theresa as an honorary Philadelphian; one to confirm Abraham Lincoln’s birthday actually falls on Feb. 12; one to erect a statue to honor the last Republican mayor, Barney Samuels; one to replace the City Charter with Newt Gingrich’s Contract with America; and one to provide Frank Rizzo Jr. with lifetime transportation to Cancun.
Las Vegas has listed the odds on the mayor’s race. For those not familiar with betting odds, let me interpret: The chances of Karen Brown becoming the next mayor of Philadelphia are roughly equivalent to Chaz Bono winning “Dancing with the Stars.” SPR
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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