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Just when you thought the future of civilization was bleak, Jessica Simpson has saved the day. Simpson has made the startling discovery that women should be judged by their inner beauty. This revelation was so stunning that Jessica visited women all over the globe just to share her valuable insight.
By happy coincidence, television cameras were there to record her personal journey. Luckily for us, Simpson will share her experiences with us on a new cable show titled “The Price of Beauty.” The reality show promises to further enhance the reputation of the “The Dukes of Hazzard” star.
Simpson recently appeared in an interview with Robin Roberts on “Good Morning America.” Given her newfound enlightenment on the value of inner beauty, you might have expected Jessica to show up in a sackcloth and sandals sans makeup. Instead, she wore a dazzling red dress with red pumps that likely cost more than a week’s salary for most women viewing the show. Inner beauty apparently has its limits.
Simpson explained her epiphany occurred when she gained a whole 10 pounds last year and became the butt of jokes for late-night comedians. Roberts commiserated with Jessica about her terrible ordeal. First, getting dumped by Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and then becoming a punch line for David Letterman, is there no end to one’s misery? Simpson, recently returned from the devastation in Haiti, agreed that “it was a rough year for me.” And the Haitians think they have it rough.
Jessica says she learned beauty comes in all sizes, which is when she apparently decided to shed her extra pounds. I would have thought she would have celebrated her newfound knowledge by sharing a package of Twinkies with Kirstie Alley. Instead, Simpson was kind enough to trek off to exotic places to comfort oppressed women and to film her new reality show.
In astonished tones, she told Roberts in one country, the lighter your skin, the more prized your beauty. Dark-skinned women actually bleach their skin, she said in wonder. Cut to a clip of Jessica with her arm around a woman with badly bleached skin. Luckily, said the porcelain white Simpson, that is not the case in America. Roberts did not bother to remind her of Michael Jackson and the entire history of prejudice in this country against coal-black skin.
There is a wee bit of irony in the title of Jessica’s new show “The Price of Beauty.” Simpson has her own line of high-priced beauty products. She has been sued twice within the year because the products apparently don’t work. I guess if the beauty products don’t work, then it is time to concentrate on your inner beauty …
“American Idol” also is finding out about the limitations of inner beauty. It has been reported that “Idol’s” producers are in a tizzy because their teeny-bopper female fans keep casting their votes for — are you ready for this — the cute boy singers instead of the best talent. Females of my generation, who still have photos of Frankie Avalon and Fabian adorning their bedroom walls, will be absolutely shocked by this observation. Imagine that the show’s voters pay little or no attention to the insightful comments offered by Simon Cowell and keep voting for boy-toys. This is undoubtedly painful to Mr. Cowell, but poses the problem of how to ever get another female contestant to become the next “American Idol.”
This columnist prides himself on his ability to make helpful suggestions. Why not accept only ugly boy singers as contestants in the future? Surely, ugly boys can’t be difficult to find. I was once one myself. Personally, I find myself shallow enough to still be attracted to outer beauty. In my mind, the female contestants are cute enough to warrant my attention. That opinion plus my enthusiasm for this year’s edition of the Temple cheerleaders, have earned me the unfair label of “dirty old man.” The other alternative is to rename the show “American Male Idol” …
If the goal is to liberate women from the tyranny of beauty, we might start at home by banning beauty by Botox. If anything, Botox women all resemble Joan Rivers, and that is not especially good, unless you are a comedienne or have a successful line of jewelry. I, for one, have had enough of women whose puffy looks appear almost painful, and whose skin has the appearance of one of Madame Tussaud’s wax figures.
Age lines can give a face character. I give you as an example Kathryn Bigelow, the Oscar-winning director of “The Hurt Locker.” I’ve always felt “Avatar’s” director, James Cameron, is a bit of an ass, but his split from Bigelow years ago just confirms my opinion. There is nothing more attractive than an older woman with articulate opinions of her own, and a few age lines to show that she will not be a slave to cosmetic surgery. Note: A friend has just pointed me to a Web site that indicates some plastic surgeons suspect Bigelow may have had really good plastic surgery or just has great genes.
Leave me with my illusions. Kathryn, you have really great genes.
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