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We’ve got a flight scheduled next month to Florida. Taking a commercial flight these days is a little like riding the subway at midnight: You might get there and you might not.
I admit I’m a bit concerned. There are so many things to be concerned about. Will my pilot fall asleep and land us in Rangoon? How is he at emergency landings in the Hudson River? Will he be surfing for porn instead of checking our altitude? It used to be my main concern was whether we would be getting lunch or just a bag of peanuts. Those days of yore seem quaint now (by the way where or what is “yore”).
The first challenge is getting to the airport on time. Thanks to the ever-increasing safety precautions, we will have to order a cab before we even make the plane reservations. I used to gripe about getting there two hours before my flight. Now I’ll have to book rooms at an airport motel at least two nights before our flight just to have time to get through security.
And how well are those safety precautions working? I can’t wear my boat shoes without socks since I have to take them off before I go through check-in. The thought of walking barefoot in the airport might be the scariest thing of all about flying. Where is it I can pack my shampoo? I keep forgetting if you have to store liquids in your suitcase, your carry-on or in a separate container made out of kryptonite. The new rules may mean I have to secrete my numerous lotions in one of my body orifices like a drug runner.
Do we still just empty our pockets and place them in a plastic basket along with our shoes or are we allowed to have pockets at all? Will the metal clasps on my man-bra set off the alarm? Can I help it if at my age I need the support? Do they still randomly search the luggage or just my luggage? I need to know because I may have to hide all my nude photos of Cloris Leachman (Cloris would be so honored).
The recent would-be bomber had the explosives sewn into his underwear. I would hate to be forced to take off my underwear along with my shoes, not because I’m ashamed of my body (although I should be), but because I don’t have any boxers left that my wife hasn’t stained pink by using bleach in the wash. How can I explain, at one time, my boxers were all a solidly masculine blue before she got her hands on them?
I was happy to find out once we’re on the plane they can’t hold us on the tarmac for more than three hours without taking off, although I find a three-hour movie too long, let alone waiting on the tarmac hoping for a glass of water.
I understand the new regs require us to remain seated the hour before we land. Why is that? If a terrorist wanted to explode a bomb on the plane, couldn’t he just do it the hour before landing? Do you really have to stand up to explode a bomb? Maybe you do if you have it sewn into your underwear.
Before Janet Napolitano changed her mind, she said the system worked on the most recent attempt to blow up a plane. Janet should understand, if she is depending on me to disarm the terrorist so the system will work, she really ought to get herself a new system. I have been compared to George Costanza but never Steven Seagal. Don’t look for me to leap over rows of seats anytime soon, unless it’s to beat somebody to the restroom.
In the day, the biggest puzzle about flying was why you were spending $40 more than the guy sitting next to you for the same flight. Your biggest choice was whether to kick in the $4 for headphones for the in-flight movie. Your biggest fear was the airline might lose your baggage with your new floating head shaver in it or the guy in front of you might recline his seat so far you wished he were a female when he landed in your lap.
Unfortunately, we now are forced to worry about whether a terrorist will slip through security. We have spent about $40 billion on airport security, but still a guy who was labeled a nut case by his father and was on a watch list was able to get a U.S. visa and board a plane with a bomb taped to his unmentionables.
We have invaded two countries to fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them over here. Since this guy was trained in Yemen and boarded the plane in Amsterdam, here’s my question — do we invade both countries or just one of them?
Happy flying.
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