28043877
While our eyes have been focused on the immigration threat from south of the border, my informants say the real threat to the American way of life comes from Canada. This is not a laughing matter. This is a warning you should heed, especially if you are a hockey fan. We are being overrun by Canadians.
It is easy to dismiss the Canadian threat because they look like us and speak English. These foreigners are polluting our culture. An ingenious Canadian devised ice hockey so his country could excel at something besides maple syrup. At first, the NHL was content with six franchises as the Montreal Canadiens kept winning championships.
We did see highlights in our movie theaters, but Americans didn’t know Maurice Richard from Little Richard. That funny looking trophy they called the Stanley Cup looked like somebody’s version of the Holy Grail on steroids. Canada used hockey like the Trojans used a wooden horse. Soon there were NHL teams throughout our country. It was clear Canada sought world domination. Why else place franchises in San Jose, Calif., and Columbus, Ohio? White kids began playing hockey instead of basketball simply because they couldn’t dunk. Even some African Americans have been seduced into donning skates, which pretty much ends Caucasian dreams of dominating winter sports in this country.
You want proof that hockey is a threat to our culture? Hockey has European origins. Those sissy Europeans who can’t play a real sport like football (and insist on calling their soccer “football”) have found a way to undermine the essence of American exceptionalism. They failed with soccer, but hockey has been their triumphant weapon. Ice hockey is the creeping harbinger of socialism taking over this good nation.
For all too long we have ignored the insidious threat from Canada. We were able to tolerate its maple syrup and Canadian bacon. Hell, we took its pure maple syrup and diluted it with corn syrup, cane sugar and artificial coloring and flavoring and soon our own Mrs. Butterworth was dominating the market. As for its Canadian bacon, any good American knows it isn’t really bacon at all, but ham cut into round slices. I think Canada really made its move when it exported its entertainers.
It was bad enough when they sent jazz pianist Oscar Peterson across our border. At least he stuck to playing the piano without getting into our politics. You didn’t find him playing protest songs; he played stuff like “Satin Doll.” Nobody ever accused that song of encouraging us to overthrow capitalism. Besides Duke Ellington, a non-threatening African-American who often wore black tie and tails and told us, “I love you madly,” wrote the jazz standard. It was when those damn folk singers started to infiltrate America that the threat should have become evident.
None of our kids realize Neil Young, Joni Mitchell and k.d. lang are Canadians. Why should Joni Mitchell be allowed to sing those subversive songs with lyrics like “they paved paradise and put up a parking lot” on American radio? Canada wants to turn our great American cities with their parking lots into one of their hick towns like Flim Flam. It’s easy for Joni to criticize parking lots because in Flim Flam, moose don’t need parking lots.
Then there’s Young with his anti-war, George-Bush-hating songs and environmental nonsense. Who is Young to tell an American president which country he can bomb? And he collects royalties from America, too. We have been wearing blindfolds and it’s time to wake up.
Why should any American be drinking Molson’s or Labatt’s beer when there are good-old-American beers like Bud, Miller and Coors? We are sending American jobs to Canada when we drink its beer.
It is time that we build an electrified fence around our northern border. Good Americans are under siege in Buffalo and Seattle. Their mayors are asking the president to provide federal protection. Credit the Republicans for recognizing Canadians coming across the border are as much a threat as Mexicans. And don’t forget, Canadians don’t pick our fruit, landscape our gardens or act as nannys for our kids. They think they’re too good for these low-paying jobs. And it isn’t Mexico that sends its geese over here to screw up the engines on our commercial air flights.
I suggest we add another section to Homeland Security just to monitor the Canadian threat. We need a little profiling here. Even though they speak English, if you listen closely they usually add an “eh” at the end of their sentences and wear plaid-colored flannel shirts, even in summer. Engage them in conversation to trick them up. Ask “can you identify the starters on the Toronto Maple Leafs?” or “define Canuck.” Correct answers are sure giveaways.
And please, don’t let these Canadians convince you about their superior health-care coverage or how logging is a great life. Before you know it, your favorite channel will be Versus. SPR
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
28043877
