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On behalf of all the chicken-hearted politicians everywhere (the latest being in New Jersey), I offer a straightforward (straight being the operative word) apology to all my gay friends. Except for some religious zealots and the same aforementioned “Perdue” politicians, I assure you most of us straight people support you in your fight for the right to marry.
As evidence of this support, I offer the latest Alzheimer Poll that shows 30 percent of Americans dislike left-handed people more than gays; another 30 percent think being gay means you’re happier than straight people; and another 35 percent (all of them straight and married) believe you have the absolute right to be as miserable as they are. The other 5 percent who are against you are still looking for a vision in their morning toast.
I, like you, am tired of hearing their very tired arguments against you. In the interest of being fair and balanced, here are some of them (if you’ve heard them all before, you have my permission to skip my column and go right to the prayers in the St. Jude section of this newspaper).
Marriage is for Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, they tell us. (Why is it they never mention Leah and Mia?) First off, I don’t believe Adam and Eve ever got married because I am old enough to have gotten a wedding invite.
If it had happened, I can see it all now: Eve wearing a bridal fig leaf holding a lovely bunch of apples (one of which was bitten). No maids of honor because there weren’t any around yet. Adam, in his fig leaf with a Ralph Lauren logo strategically placed, looking like one of those hunky guys on a bachelor reality show. The serpent there to give the bride away (it is the only one wearing tails).
After a short honeymoon in the Garden of Eden (all expenses paid), Adam gets ticked at Eve for getting them thrown out of the resort because they ate of the fruit of knowledge and, bingo, we have the first straight divorce of many to come. Gay Adam and Steve could have done the same thing, only Steve would have preferred sushi to the apple and stayed on God’s good side.
I believe lesbian marriage will be legalized before that of gay males. The reason being we straight white males who form the power structure in our society (we can be seen hanging out at the Capital Grille storing expensive bottles of wine in our lockers), would much prefer to see two women kiss at the end of a wedding ceremony. Women groping other women is the male idea of porn heaven.
There still will be Bible-thumpers (what is a Bible-thumper and how does that work?) who oppose gay marriage because homosexuality is forbidden in the Good Book. Come to think of it, if there were still public stonings, Ticketmaster could sell tickets for it and charge a hefty handling fee for its service.
Rick Santorum still opposes gay marriage. Rick is planning to open a campaign for president in Iowa, according to some political observers. I guess no one told Rick Iowa is one of the states that approved gay marriage. Santorum once saw Edward Albee’s play about a man consorting with Sylvia his pet goat and concluded gay marriage would inevitably lead to men raiding local goat farms for prospective mates. I admit not even craigslist has carried an ad where a man is searching for a goat to love, so Rick’s fear seems a bit misplaced.
A small number of people (mostly living in Montana) believe gay marriage threatens their own straight marriages. These are the folks who went to see “Brokeback Mountain” thinking it was a Clint Eastwood Western and got traumatized for life.
There are several aspects to this argument. The first is the belief straight women, given the option of marrying a male or a female, will choose a woman. There is a grain of truth to this. Given the fact most of us men start snoring minutes after having sex and we usually dodge the household chores, can you blame them?
The rest of the opposition rests on the theory the sanctity of marriage is under attack. The folks who believe this have either never heard of Tiger Woods or think his friendships with all those blonde cocktail waitresses were platonic or they believe, despite everything, he is actually gay.
I have mixed feelings. I love my gay friends and really would like to see them get married, if that is what they wish. But then I think of all those wedding gifts I’d have to buy.
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