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Here’s what we found out in November:
Pizza is a vegetable, according to government guidelines. School cafeterias, in good conscience, may serve up frozen pizza to your kids. Since the government encourages five servings of vegetables a day, I’ll feel better now when I scarf down five slices of pizza (burp) …
It’s not bad enough some of you have gotten nostalgic for George W. Bush. Even worse, we are getting nostalgic for Hosni Mubarak, the deposed dictator of Egypt. We are scared we can’t control who winds up running Egypt. We are all for letting the people decide as long as they decide on the leadership we like. It’s not like the good old days when we could call upon the CIA to install a friendly puppet government. But freedom isn’t freedom if you ain’t free, is it, Bobby McGee? …
So Joe Pa isn’t a saint. Remember that biblical admonition against having false idols? And that’s the last time I’ll be quoting the Bible again for quite awhile …
No, the Occupy folks aren’t going to change the world, not even Philly, but it doesn’t mean their hearts aren’t in the right place. But then again, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The road to hell being that $18 million bill handed to the cities for police overtime and cleanup services. I guess First Amendment rights, like freedom, ain’t free…
Among the Republicans, Herman Cain and Rick Perry imploded and Newt Gingrich gained ground. Cain may know how to market a vegetable (that’s pizza to you, son) into a million-dollar business, but he doesn’t know Libya from Syria. And then there’s the charges of sexual harassment, but apparently ignorance and sexual harassment are not disqualifiers for the White House anymore (see George W. Bush on the first and Bill Clinton on the second). Lord, we are a tolerant people, or at the least the Republican voters who keep telling pollsters their favorite candidate is Cain.
Perry couldn’t remember the third government department he would eliminate. If he were really smart, he could’ve said, “well, why don’t we just eliminate them all?” and he’d be the front-runner today. Apparently Texas folks don’t rate intelligence too high on their governor-qualifications list — so we should leave him in Texas where he can attend ceremonial barbeques and sing “The Eyes of Texas.”
Rick Santorum and Jon Huntsman just are taking up space on the debate stage. The Roots dissed Michele Bachman on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. She didn’t deserve it anymore than Michelle Obama and Jill Biden deserved the smattering of boos by some NASCAR rednecks. At least Bachmann says what she believes, which is more than you can say for Mitt Romney, who has given flip-flopping a bad name. Tell me again what Romney believes in other than getting elected.
Obama pardoned two turkeys, which only makes me feel guilty about eating any of the bio-engineered birds that weren’t so lucky. I’ve got a feeling they don’t pardon turkeys in Texas, just deep fry them …
The super committee failed to reach an agreement on how to trim more than $1.99 from the federal deficit. It wasn’t so super and its failure will not be mourned by this columnist. In the short run, we ought to be more concerned about putting people back to work because when they work, they pay taxes, and then the deficit goes down. Then worry about the deficit, which, by the way, should include the end of the “temporary” Bush tax cuts for the wealthy and the middle class.
Kim Kardashian got divorced. I am simply shocked the marriage didn’t last until death did them part or at least three months. I am simply Kardashianed out. I have even stopped watching Kim’s sex video, although eye strain did play a part in my decision. The Kardashians are in love with the letter “K.” Kim even married Kris Humphries and is rumored to have admitted what attracted her most was he didn’t spell his name Chris. Kim’s mother is named Kris. Kim’s sister is Kourtney. Kim claims Kris treated her with “kontempt,” according to the divorce papers. Brother Rob seems like a nice kid, but for some reason he was not named Karl, but he almost won “Dancing with the Stars” and I, for one, am grateful he didn’t. Just think — first the Mirror Ball trophy, then a sex video, then the splashy marriage, and then the divorce. Rob was spared all that, and so were we.
Mayor Michael Nutter was re-elected with about 75 percent of the vote, which is more of a testimony to the Republican Party’s state in Philly than his popularity. The local GOP is not only on life support, the hospital is trying to find out if it has a living will …
Black Friday sales were extended to the night before. Soon Thanksgiving may disappear altogether and be replaced by all-day Christmas sales. I predict next year on Thanksgiving, half of our citizens will be sleeping in tents in political protest and the other half will be sleeping in tents outside of Best Buy to get a couple hundred bucks off a large-screen TV. Kind of gives new meaning to tent city.
Strike up the Christmas songs. It’s on to December. SPR
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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