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It is the start of December and it is already several weeks at least one radio station has been airing Christmas music. We’re not talking "Handel’s Messiah" here. We’re talking "Jingle Bell Rock." Six weeks of Christmas music is about a month too long.
I know I run the risk of being labeled anti-Christmas, but enough is enough. It was bad when we depended on Christmas to revive the sagging prospects of organized religion, but now the holiday has the burden of jump-starting the economy. It is too much for any holiday to bear, and Christmas is showing the effects.
There are people who can’t get enough of it. They get up at 4 a.m. to catch the sales on Black Friday. There is no amount of money, no promise of eternal salvation that will get me up at 4 a.m. unless at gunpoint. There is no place I would less rather be than the local Wal-Mart before sunrise.
Christmas is supposed to be the feel-good time of year, but I am constitutionally unable to feel good for more than a 24-hour period. Christmas is all about the lion lying down with the lamb. What it ignores is the reality most times the lion winds up eating the lamb.
Some folks insist Christmas is all about religion. These same folks still think John McCain is going to be our next president. The religious aspect of Christmas has been overwhelmed by tinsel of the holiday. The longer it is extended the less religion plays a part. I leave it to Bill O’Reilly and his fans to voice their phony outrage over the plot to kill Christmas. With all the crap going on in this sad world, the last thing I’m going to get upset about is somebody who wishes me a happy holiday and doesn’t use the word Christmas.
Santa Claus has encouraged the commercialization. I think Santa had to be invented by a smart retailer. It is all about creating consumer desire at a very early age. As a person ages, "what do you want for Christmas?" becomes the creed of instant gratification most of us live by in adulthood. Even now, when my wife asks me that inevitable question every Christmas, I feel guilty when I can’t rattle off a bunch of material things I need by Dec. 25 or life will be less fulfilling. I always settle for that empty phrase "just surprise me," which gets me off the hook.
Then there is the obsession about having it snow on Christmas. I rue the day Bing Crosby ever dreamed of a white Christmas (note — Crosby was probably on a golf course in Florida at the time). Except for kids, what sane person wants snow on Christmas or any day of the year? Even the people that do the weather on TV are part of the conspiracy. These are people who in reality hate snow and all it entails. You think Hurricane Schwartz really wants to dig his car out of his driveway? John Bolaris probably has some 20-something babe to clean his sidewalk, so we can’t count him. If you crave snow on Christmas, why don’t you travel to Alaska and move next door to Sarah Palin? You’ll be very happy hunting wolves together. We do not live on a Currier & Ives postcard, people. Snow causes traffic tie-ups and heart attacks.
Christmas has the stupidest tradition of all of our stupid traditions. Why would civilized people put a live tree in their living room? A Yule log made sense, at least you could burn it for heat, but a tree? I live in a home my wife claimed was too small for a big screen TV, so every Christmas we put a five-foot tree in our cramped living room. We spend at least half a day cleaning up the freaking pine needles when we finally put it in the trash.
Let me get back to the craziness about Claus. Who was the genius that came up with the idea that he travels from the North Pole in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer? Not only do these reindeer fly faster than a jumbo jet, they are light enough to land on my roof without causing any damage. This is the same roof that loses half its shingles every time there is a strong breeze. Apparently the sleigh can hold a helluva lot of toys without an excess baggage charge being levied against Santa. Don’t forget Santa himself is a good 40 pounds overweight. Even Southwest Airlines wouldn’t be this lenient. By the way, all the toys are handmade by elves. Maybe that’s why most of them don’t work and have to be returned the day after Christmas.
I’m starting to think the day after Christmas is my favorite day of the year.
