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Every good political campaign should have a theme song. F.D.R. used “Happy Days Are Here Again.” President Barack Obama thought about using the same song for his re-election campaign, but decided against it because happy days are not here again.
Minnesota U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann tried to use Tom Petty’s “American Girl,” but Petty told her to stop it. He suggested a better theme for her would be Patsy Cline’s “Crazy.” When you think about it, there are many Republican candidates for whom “Crazy” would be appropriate. Your columnist has always been interested in helping aspiring politicians, so in that spirit, here are my suggestions for campaign theme music. I don’t expect any compensation.
Barack Obama — given the ridiculously high unemployment rate — how about “Buddy, Can You Spare a Dime?”
Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty (affectionately called “T-Paw” by the few who know and love him) is having trouble with name identification. He is desperate for folks to recognize him; otherwise how can he get them to vote for him? His campaign manager secretly believes the only way Pawlenty can win is for lots of people to punch out his chad by mistake. Unfortunately, you can’t become president simply by winning in Florida. In order to get noticed, Pawlenty is baring his chest during rallies. Thus far, his bare chest has not attracted much support although polls show his gay support has increased by 0.05 percent. His theme: “You Don’t Know Me” by Ray Charles. …
Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney — I am not going to stoop to the obvious and suggest he use a song from the Tony Award-winner, “Book of Mormons.” Your columnist may be a lot of things, but he is not obvious. Romney is best known for his popular health-care plan in Massachusetts. Unfortunately he has been forced to renounce his own plan in order to appease the crazies in his party. In fact, Romney has been forced to recant his past positions on almost everything like being pro-choice, gay-friendly and sensible on the need for increased taxes to balance spending cutsn. Mitt is even considering changing his name. Romney has changed his mind so many times, he wears flip-flops at his rallies. The theme song for Romney: Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now.” …
Former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum — best known for comparing gay relationships to beastiality. Rick is afraid if we legalize gay marriage, some of us might petition the court for the right to marry our pets. The theme for Santorum: “The Beast In Me” by Johnny Cash. …
Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is best known these days for his revolving charge accounts at Tiffany’s. It would be too subtle to suggest “Moon River” for Newt’s campaign. The latest polls show Gingrich is even running behind Santorum. The theme for Newt is “Nowhere Man” by The Beatles. …
Godfather’s Pizza founder Herman Cain surprisingly has risen to about 10 percent in the polls. Alas, it turned out people thought they were voting for his pizza. To his credit, he did beat out Papa John. I was going to get clever with this one and suggest rewriting the opening line of “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” (“Herman Cain is his name and he owned a pizza shop”), but Cain can get away with the “The Godfather” theme while plugging his former pizza empire. …
Bachmann and former Alaska Gov. and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin are the same person. Have you ever seen the two of them together? They both have the same bizarre grasp of American history. They both get “Don’t Know Much About History” by Sam Cooke. If you insist, Palin can have her own: “Your Mind Is on Vacation” (and your mouth is working overtime) by Van Morrison. …
Jon Huntsman, former Utah Gov. and member of the Obama Administration, like Romney, is a Mormon. Because it is fashionable today to be suspicious of Mormons in Christian conservative circles, Huntsman has been forced to disavow his religion for all practical purposes. He says he does not follow the strict dictates of the Mormon faith. Huntsman’s theme: R.E.M.’s “Losing My Religion.” …
Texas U.S. Rep. Ron Paul is a principled libertarian, which means he wishes he could live alone in the Galapagos. To say Paul hates taxes is like saying Charlie Sheen is inclined not to donate a kidney to TV producer Chuck Lorre anytime soon. Paul’s theme: The Beatles’ “Taxman.” …
Texas Gov. Rick Perry has not announced yet because he is not sure whether we have a craving for another Texas governor in the White House. Perry has suggested in the past that Texas secede from the Union. Rick has a portrait of Jefferson Davis hanging in his office. Perry’s theme: That old Confederacy song, “Dixie.” …
As for any others who might entertain thoughts of throwing their hat in the ring, you have my permission to use Frank Sinatra’s old standard, “I Don’t Stand a Ghost of a Chance.”
Note to the candidates: You don’t have to thank me. SPR
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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