28043877
Why does anybody think the rest of us are interested in their goofy e-mails? Do we really need another e-mail warning us if we don’t forward your stupid e-mail to 10 unsuspecting friends that bad luck will befall us? We already have experienced bad luck — receiving your insipid e-mails.
We really don’t need your various and sundry prayers. They don’t work because the rest of us have prayed you would stop sending us your e-mails, and they still keep coming. Believe it or not, some of us believe prayer is supposed to be personal and contemplative, not a feel-good chain letter that acts to fill your empty hours.
We promise if you send another prayer to us, we are going to pray bad things happen to you, like a virus shutting down your e-mail. How do you know you’re not sending your prayer-mails to an atheist? Do you expect the atheist to forward your e-mail to 10 atheist friends? How about a little pledge? You don’t invade our prayer space and we won’t put sugar in your gas tank.
Don’t forward your jokes either. They are not funny and neither are you. Stop sending us jokes with your own personal note that says, “this is really funny.” It isn’t. It never is. Your sense of humor died when Milton Berle did. You think that jokes about old people trying to have sex or forgetting where they put their Gingko bilboa are funny. The rest of are us not laughing with you, but at you. How about we make another pledge? You stop sending us jokes and we’ll send you a book of toilet humor that we’re sure you will find the very essence of sophistication.
While you’re at it, could you stop forwarding us the latest Obama rumor? You really should fact check this crap before you forward the next outrageous lie about our president (yes, he’s your president too). Try the Web sites www.Snopes.com and factcheck.org. The rest of us have wasted hours fact checking your stuff and you have a zero accuracy rating.
Here’s a sampling of what we’ve found — Obama is not a Muslim (during the campaign you were complaining about his Christian minister; don’t you find the two statements in conflict?); Obama was born in the United States (yes, dunderhead, Hawaii is part of the United States); Obama is not a black panther (being half-black, you think he might be half of a black panther?); Obama does not refuse to sign Eagle Scout certificates; he never disrespected our troops; he has no intention of selling the blueprints for the B-2 Spirit stealth bomber to the Chinese to reduce our debt; he never apologized for the Declaration of Independence; he doesn’t plan to bar recreational fishing; he has never tried to take your gun away (although you are much too dumb to be trusted with a firearm); he never proposed giving free cell phones to welfare recipients and he is not the anti-Christ (I am).
This list is not all-inclusive, and I’m sure you will come up with equally stupid rumors in the future. Just do the rest of us a favor, don’t send them to us, send them to Glenn Beck.
About your e-mails supporting our troops. The rest of us love our troops as much as you. If you count my six-month active duty in the Air Force Reserve, I was once a sort of a troop myself, in the loosest sense of the word. Here’s the thing — all of your e-mails with photos of our flag and our troops serving in battle doesn’t really do anything for those troops.
Your e-mail makes you feel good, but it doesn’t do anything for them. May we suggest if you really want to do something for the troops, stop supporting every idiot war that our presidents think up in their spare time. Maybe then we can get them safely back home instead of fighting for folks who really don’t want us in their countries. Stop allowing our troops to be redeployed over and over until too many of them see suicide as the only way out. While you’re at it, support better medical care for them and better pay.
We welcome any coherent opinions you might have, even when you disagree with us (“coherent” being the key word). We like to hear from you when you’ve heard a really good piece of music or dined at a really good restaurant.
We like to know that you are alive and well. We like to know what you think about the McNabb trade or Jamie Moyer staying in the Phils’ rotation. But if you are still wondering whether an African-American has a right to be president or if you’re seeing religious symbols in your morning croissant, then please (as Archie Bunker used to say) stifle yourself. And support the taxes to pay for it.
We’ve got better uses for our computers. Like trying to find free porn.
28043877
