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Thanksgiving Argument
“You know what a conservative is around here? A conservative won’t eat Italian bread with the seeds. A liberal likes the seeds. And a radical is some moak who buys his bread in Center City.”
“You’re s — — — g me?”
“No, when you get right down to it, it’s all about the bread.”
Another Political Argument
“I’m not a sexist. I didn’t vote for her because she doesn’t speak my language.”
“So, he speaks your language?”
“He sounds like one of the guys.”
“She doesn’t sound like one of the guys because she’s a woman.”
“But that doesn’t mean I don’t like women.”
Conspiracy Theory
“This Nelson Agholor? Chip (Kelly) drafted him №1 because he knew (Jeffrey) Lurie would fire him at the end of the season.”
“What, he wanted to sabotage us?”
“Agholor is like — what’s Trump call it — a Trojan horse.”
“I wonder what Cataldi thinks.”
Another Conspiracy Theory
“You know this soda tax of Kenney’s?”
“Yeah.”
“I think (Jim) Kenney knows it’s gonna get thrown out by the court. He’s throwin’ a bone to the do-gooders who helped elect him.”
“What’s this world comin’ to when a South Philly politician has to depend on the bleeding heart vote?”
Dressing Up For The Wedding
“I need a suit for the wedding. You already get a suit?”
“Yeah. My old suit makes me look like a singer in a Vegas lounge.”
“Where dya get it, Boyd’s?”
“I look like I’m rich? Ya gotta be an NBA player to shop at Boyd’s. I got it from Mikey Suits on 18th Street.”
“Good guy. Still has a good selection in his basement?”
“Top-notch. This suit I bought makes me look like Michael Buble.”
“I’ve seen you in one of his suits. You look more like Jerry Vale.”
Lament Of the Older Generation
“These kids today.”
“You’re talkin’ down the field?”
“Yeah. Drinkin’ — cursin’ — gettin it on.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“No class. We did stuff in the schoolyard, but not sex. That’s what the back seats are for.”
“You’re forgettin’ about crazy Conchetta?”
“Conchetta don’t count. She was outside the norm. That’s why they called her crazy.”
Meatball Theory
“You eat meatballs out?”
“Nah.”
“Me either.”
“Who knows what they put in them.”
“I’d eat raw fish before I’d eat a meatball out.”
“You ever eat fish for breakfast?”
“I got an aunt that eats lox sometimes for breakfast.”
“She Jewish?”
“Not really.”
“Whaddya mean not really? You’re either Jewish or you’re not Jewish.”
“She never said.”
“You never asked her?”
“She never said.”
“She eat meatballs out? You’re aunt?”
“Not even if Marc Vetri made them.”
“Like I said, you never know what they put in them.”
Modern Technology
“You like the new iPhone?”
“Who needs it? I read books.”
“Read them on a Kindle?”
“Who needs it? I like books I can touch and feel.”
“I wound up with a Samsung. It’s cheaper and just as good.”
“I heard they explode in your ear.”
“Not the model I got.”
“That’s what they thought with the one that wound up exploding.”
“You’re a crepe hanger.”
The Nose Ring
“What’s with these kids and the nose rings?”
“Beats me. How dya blow your nose wearin’ one of those things?”
“Guess you must have to have good sinuses?”
“You use Allegra or Zirtec?”
The New First Lady
“Whaddya think Melania’s wearin’ to the Inaugural Ball?”
“She can wear a potato sack and still look good.”
“You think she’s had work done?”
“He’s the one needs the work. He’s too old for her.”
“I heard on Entertainment Tonight he doesn’t like plastic surgery. Myself, I don’t think he’s bad lookin’.”
“You gotta be kiddin’ me. She coulda had Ben Affleck. And what’s with the orange face?”
“I heard Ben Affleck is a liberal.”
“Well, I’m just sayin’.”
“Maybe she just likes orange.”
Newspaper Delivery
“Didya get the Review?”
“Yeah, why?”
“The liberal’s still cryin’ over the election.”
“Figures.”
“I don’t know why I read him.”
“Because you like Uncle Nunzi. That’s why.”
“I heard he’s not real.”
“Really?”
“I know one of his neighbors. She told me. His real uncles are all dead.”
“Figures. How do you trust a liberal who lies about his uncle?” SPR
Tom Cardella can be seen along with Paul Jolovitz and an Eagles guest every Monday night at 6 PM on Monday Night Kickoff streaming live on WBCB -TV.
