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(The following letters to me and my replies have been edited or totally rewritten to make the columnist look better. For that, I have no apologies because my ego needs constant reinforcement and, unfortunately, I rarely get that from my readers).
“No Easy Solutions” (Jan. 3)
Reader: (three weeks after the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary School) “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”
Reply: Really?
“Cliff notes” (Jan. 10)
Reader: “I still say it will be better to have the draconian cuts … Bring on the mild recession and fiscal sanity.”
Reply: You’re obviously not Nostradamus.
“Off the top of my head” (Jan. 17)
Reader: “Brady, Flacco, Kaepernick, Ryan, Cardella, Stein-Novack.”
Reply: I really think that I belong somewhere between Flacco and Kaepernick.
“My bucket list” (Jan. 31)
Reader: “Old man complaining. Believe me, old man, 1950 wasn’t all that great either.”
Reply: You only say that because you never saw me in my high-rise slacks.
“Thoughts while falling” (Feb. 21)
Reader: “… Isn’t the definition of faith … not knowing?”
Reply: Uh, I think that’s the definition of “ill-informed.”
“Being dense in Philly Mag” (March 21)
Reader: Hey Tom, check out the police report in your own newspapers every week. There seems to be a common theme … being white in Philadelphia, brother.”
Reply: That should be “bro,” not “brother.”
“Is Nutter the bad guy?” (April 4)
(a column defending the mayor)
Reader: “This is a joke, right?”
Reply: In retrospect, yes.
“Good News” (June 13)
Reader: “You supercilious (sic) folks, stop laughing now. It’s politically incorrect to laugh at a person from another orbit (sic).”
Reply: You’re sic (sic).
“A Delicate Balance” (June 20)
Reader (To another letter writer): “Don’t you have anything better to do with your time? Go find a girl. … Give your computer away to someone less fortunate.”
Reply: I have never found using a computer and admiring girls mutually exclusive, especially if you find the right Internet site.
“Cocoon” (Oct. 3)
Reader: “Wonderful, insightful and mostly valid article.”
Reply: Thank you, Aunt Mary, but what do you mean by “mostly” valid?”
“Decency” (Oct. 10)
Reader: “Hey, bleeding heart liberal. How much money are you willing to give up of your own to the government giveaways for the downtrodden? Phony!”
Reply: Wait, let me check with my accountant … He just told me that I fit under the category ”Downtrodden.”
“Michelina” (Oct. 24)
Reader: OBAMACARE WILL NOT WORK. UNFAIR ON SO MANY LEVELS. we are going back to 236 years ago; tar and feather time, tom, you’re up.
Reply: Has anyone ever taught you how to use the caps key?
“Autumn peeves” (Oct. 31)
Reader: “I miss Larry Mendte. Local news sucks.”
Reply: Thank you, Dawn Stensland.
“Turkeys” (Nov. 18)
Reader: “I still want to know why I can’t marry my two sisters?”
Reply: I want you to know I tried talking to both of them, but they’re in love with your brother.
“South Philly wedding traditions” (Dec. 5)
Reader: “I’m not sure we need wedding advice from a gay man?”
Reply: Not true, we’re all interested in hearing YOUR wedding advice. I’m just a good looking older metrosexual.
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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