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You might not have thought that Jan. 12th was an important date in history. Well, think again.
475: Basiliscus coronation ceremony takes place in Constantinople. A soothsayer predicts that the ceremony will be attended by twice as many as somebody named Trump in the future. Upon reading this column today, Trump tweets “wrong.”
1493: Last day for Jews to leave Sicily, and that’s why my grandfather never knew a good bagel when he saw one.
1552: The Dutch West Coast is hit by heavy storm. Hundreds are killed. Descendant of John Bolaris is fired from post as weather prognosticator for predicting it would blow harmlessly out to sea.
1701: Frisia and Groningen (Netherlands) begin use of Gregorian calendar. Local merchants give out free copies of the calendar that include coupons for buy one, get one waffle cakes.
1723: George Frideric Handel’s opera “Ottone” premieres at the King Theater in London. Handel loses the Grammy to an attractive female performer-dancer.
1806: French evacuate Vienna because of disagreement over the use of press coffee pots.
1809: British take French Guiana from French. In 1814, for some reason, they give it back.
1812: First cargo arrives in New Orleans by steam from Natchez, with it containing beignets, chicory flavored coffee and the first album by Louis Armstrong.
1816: France decrees Bonaparte family banished from the country forever or until Marlon Brando gets to play the part of Napoleon.
1836: Battle of Wetumka, Fla. — I don’t know what it was about either. I’m guessing the price of the early bird special.
1848: Palermo uprising against the Bourbon Kingdom of the Two Sicilies takes place in Sicily, where else? There were two Sicilies?
1863: President Jefferson Davis delivers his State of the Confederacy address in which he predicts that someday the South will actually vote Republican.
1896: First X-ray photo in U.S., and the patient can’t afford the co-pay.
1903: Harry Houdini performs in Amsterdam, and escapes from chains in 10 feet of water while wearing heavy wooden shoes.
1906: First time Dow Jones closes above 100 — A real estate magnate named Drumpf (Trump) claims credit.
1906: Football rules committee legalizes the forward pass — they reason it will give Doug Pederson a chance to justify the 607 passes he had Carson Wentz throw in 2016.
1915: U.S. House of Representatives rejects proposal to give women the right to vote — 100 years later 52 percent of American male voters endorse that vote.
1943: Frankfurters are now called “Victory Sausages” in the midst of the War against the Nazis. Even then you wouldn’t want to read the ingredients.
1948: After the first supermarket in the UK opens, the first shopper drops coupons and is carried out screaming obscenities.
1949: “Arthur Godfrey And His Friends” premieres on CBS. It marks the first time Americans show interest in wearing Hawaiian shirts.
1950: The Soviet Union reintroduces death penalty for treason, espionage and sabotage — also for giving finger to Stalin.
1958: In the NFL Pro Bowl, the West beats the East 26–7. Even at that time, no one cared.
1961: United Nations genocide pact goes into effect, but no one pays any attention.
1965: “Hullabaloo” premieres on NBC, beginning the decline of network television.
1966: President Lyndon Johnson says the U.S. should stay in South Vietnam until communist aggression ends, or until he resigns the presidency.
1969: Quarterback Joe Namath leads the Jets to an upset victory over the Colts in the Super Bowl. Namath goes on to prove that bad knees are no deterrent to an active love life.
1971: A U.S. Grand Jury indicts the Berrigan brothers for plotting to kidnap Henry Kissinger, It is the last recorded time when anyone wanted to get that close to Henry Kissinger.
1986: New England Patriots beat the Miami Dolphins for the AFC Championship just to prove they can win a title without Tom Brady and Bill Bellichick.
1994: Steve Carlton of the Phillies elected to Baseball Hall of Fame — surprises fans by actually speaking.
1995: Murder trial against OJ Simpson begins in LA. It seems as if a guilty verdict is assured, according to a columnist in the South Philadelphia Review. This same columnist would become famous for his predictions when he predicts a landslide victory for Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election.
1997: Tiger Woods wins another major golf championship. The same columnist for the South Philadelphia Review predicts Woods will be winning titles when he’s 65.
1998: Nineteen European nations agree to forbid human cloning just in case, they say, Kanye West ever decides to try to clone himself.
2004: The world’s largest ocean liner, the Queen Mary 2, makes its maiden voyage — and all anyone cares about is the Midnight Buffet.
2006: A stampede during the “Stoning the Devil” ritual on the last day in Saudi Arabia kills at least 362 Muslim pilgrims — apparently a sign that the devil is not going to go quietly.
2008: Eight days before the inauguration of Barack Obama, White Supremacist groups go into deep mourning. “Mourning” consists of repeated playing of “Helter Skelter” and bemoaning the fact that Charles Manson was never acknowledged as a great solo guitarist.
2017: A columnist for the South Philadelphia Review uses This Date In History as a cheap way to write a column.
