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I was trying to figure out what to title a column filled with unrelated items. In the past I called a similar column “Scrapple,” but few people eat scrapple anymore or even know what it is. At times, I have called such a column “From the notebook,” but if truth be told I don’t own a notebook. Most of my notes are on scraps of paper my wife fishes out of my pants after they have gone through the wash cycle. I could call a column of unrelated items “Unrelated,” but then just suppose by chance a reader might find some relationship between two of the items?
Uncle Nunzi suggested I call the column “Frittata,” after the Italian omelet that contains various leftovers. The problem is everyone who reads this is not Italian, even though Uncle Nunzi would like to think so. “Miscellaneous” is not very exciting, I admit, but it’s accurate. Here then, based on my painstaking research, are miscellaneous stories from around the world. …
A woman in Minot, N.D., claims she has seen the image of Tim Tebow on a slice of toast. She is asking $5,000 for the toast, which is slightly stale and appears to contain an image of a man in a football suit in a kneeling position, or as some skeptics claim, some severe burn marks likely from a toaster oven. …
In a small South Florida community known as Manatee Rump, the housing market has gotten so bad sellers now are offering up to $10,000 plus a set of steak knives as incentives to prospective buyers. Located about 200 miles from Algae Lake, it once was considered prime real estate area and was home to the deceased Shah of Iran. …
Republican front-runner Mitt Romney admitted in a Fox News interview today on that he routinely fires a portion of his staff when he wakes up calling the firings his morning exercise in capitalism and a bigger pick-me-up than a large glass of orange juice. …
Ashton Kutcher admitted he continued to wear his wedding ring because he had forgotten he and Demi Moore had split. Moore’s publicist had called him this morning to remind him of the breakup, but refused to tell him why the two had parted. Kutcher is reading People back issues for clues. …
A pilot flying over the Painted Desert spotted a man wandering aimlessly among the sand dunes. A rescue party ultimately found the man identified as Eagles’ defensive coordinator Juan Castillo, who is in good condition despite some mental confusion. One of the rescuers, Dudley Smathers, said Castillo was mumbling “wide nine.” Thus far, no one from the Eagles organization has called to claim Castillo. …
Apparently in an effort to emulate the NHL’s successful Winter Classic, the NBA has announced plans for a Summer Classic. The game will be played in late May outdoors on the deck of a cruise ship as a prelude to the midnight buffet. …
Kim Kardashian is rumored to be on suicide watch in a Beverly Hills hospital. She had gone an entire week without a public, television or tabloid appearance, which is given as a possible reason for her precarious mental state. A dog also has replaced the celebrity in this year’s Sketchers Super Bowl commercial. The Kardashian’s spokesperson denies the report and claims it is a malicious lie former husband (for a brief period) NBA player, Kris Humphries has spread. …
President Barack Obama admitted at a news conference today that the economy has not improved as much as he would have liked. However, after a slow start, it is headed in the right direction, he said. “I accept full responsibility,” he said, pointing out his entire economic team is all in. “I have to do a better job of putting my people in position to succeed.” The president, who interrupted his comments several times by coughing, refused to indicate whether he would replace his chief economic adviser, Timothy Geithner. “You guys know how I feel about Tim.” …
The 1 percent of America’s wealthiest citizens are fighting back with rallies in poor neighborhoods, according to a group spokesperson for the Koch Brothers, to celebrate what he called the “job creators in this country.” “We will occupy these neighborhoods until they call off their class warfare,” the spokesperson said. Heated cabanas have been set up with flat-screen HD TVs and artisan chocolates being given out. “None of these successful Americans were born on third base,” the spokesperson, who went into lengthy detail about the impossible logistics of such unlikely births, said. “All of them hit triples and we’ve got the video to prove it.” Donald Trump made a surprise appearance. A nearby homeless person muttered, “If that guy hit a triple, then I’m Derek Jeter.” …
Recently fired Fox 29 weatherman John Bolaris is in trouble again. He was found yesterday staring at his reflection for five hours in a Macy’s dressing room mirror and forcibly evicted. A salesperson claims Bolaris entered the dressing room at 10 a.m. to try on a pair of jeans, so he called security at 3 p.m. “He was just staring at his reflection and reciting ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall.’ It was kind of weird.”
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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