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To the Occupy Philly protesters: When you only occupy during good weather, you’re not protesting, you’re having a picnic without a barbecue grill. …
To Daily News columnist Ronnie Polaneczky: When you have 215 parking tickets in 16 years and you pay for all of them, you’re not a habitual violator, you’re the main source of tax revenue for the City of Philadelphia. …
To Mayor Michael Nutter: When someone fills the city coffers as much as Polaneczky, you don’t just apologize to her, you say “Thank you, and please never move out of the city.” …
When you’re Rev. James J. Brennan and you allegedly let a 14-year old boy share your bed, watch porn and then claim you didn’t have sex with him, you’re not innocent. You’re still a predator, but one who is out of practice. …
When you own a private restaurant called The Water Works and you never get billed for utilities, shouldn’t you, at least, be able to charge less than $35 for a 6-ounce filet mignon? …
When the City passes the expense of the restaurant’s utility bills on to us taxpayers, shouldn’t we get a month off from paying utilities and maybe brunch one Sunday? (I’ll take the eggs Benedict). …
When you’re Gov. Tom Corbett and you slash funds for education, shouldn’t you be known as “the illiteracy governor”? And shouldn’t Lebanon Valley College take away your degree? (Lebanon Valley College?) …
When the School District of Philadelphia closes 40 public schools clearing the way to hand the system over to charter schools, then you have to stop pretending it’s a public school system.
You also have to stop equating the obvious effort to increase corporate private school profits with “school reform. …”
When you’re the mayor and the Office of Property Assessment has no clue and you still want to go ahead with reassessing the property of residents, you have to call your plan what it is: “Raising taxes.” It’s sort of like when an on-duty police officer demands oral sex from you and claims you did it voluntarily because you just wanted to show your support for the local police. …
When a politician cheats on his cancer-stricken wife and allegedly uses campaign funds to support his mistress, he’s not just a slimeball, he’s another American comeback story in the making. No second acts in America? Don’t blame F. Scott Fitzgerald for being mistaken, there was no reality TV in his America. …
When your president is African-American and Caucasian and the most beautiful woman in your country, Beyoncé, is African-American and Creole, to racists, it’s what is known as the Apocalypse. The rest of us can just dig it. …
When you’re a film industry that keeps making movies about cartoon action heroes, you shouldn’t give out Oscars, you should give the winners tubes of Clearasil. …
When you’re libertarian U.S. Rep. Ron Paul, you really don’t want to be president, you want to be the hero in “V for Vendetta.” …
When you’re Howard Stern and you’ve agreed to be a judge on “America’s Got Talent,” you’re no longer hip and edgy. You’re a straight version of “Dancing with the Stars” judge Bruno Tonioli. …
Winning “American Idol” does not necessarily make you an idol. Sometimes it just makes you the answer to a trivia question. Quick! Who won last season? …
When you’re Ellen DeGeneres and out of the closet, you should stop pretending you’re gaga over George Clooney and admit it’s his hot girlfriends you really want. …
Now that Rick Santorum is no longer in the race, you can forget about your idea of starting a black market on condoms. Now that Newt Gingrich is out of the running, look for him to become a spokesperson for Slim-Fast. …
It’s official. On Fox News, the “War on Women” ended in a tie. A democratic strategist Hillary Rosen insulted stay-at-home moms while Republicans want to ban contraception on grounds of conscience, eliminate preventive breast cancer screenings in order to lower interest on college loans and force women who want a legal abortion to have a wand inserted in their vagina. Who’s more anti-women? If that’s a tie, I’m Tom Cruise (I’m actually three inches taller). …
If they replace one more part in Dick Cheney, he’s getting the role in the new version of “The Six Million Dollar Man.” …
I’ve got an idea for restaurants on how to make money on a slow Sunday. Slap together a menu of the same old breakfast items, add a few salads and sandwiches, serve it 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., raise the prices and call it “brunch.”…
Forget about the Republicans running Mitt Romney for president. They should just put “I hate Obama” on the official ballot and they’d still get the same number of votes. And they wouldn’t have to pretend the Romney health plan in Massachusetts isn’t the same as Obamacare, explain his flip-flops or wonder why he put the family dog on the roof of his car. …
Just sayin’.
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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