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Visiting Uncle Nunzi a day after the election was a wonderful thing. He was so happy, I found him whistling (his go-to song is Tennessee Ernie Ford’s “Sixteen Tons”). The source of his new found contentment was understandable. The election is history. No more of those annoying political ads on TV. I was pretty happy myself. A big plus being I wouldn’t have to wince every time Uncle shouted at the television set about Pat “Tumor” and Katie “what the hell ever her name is.”
When Uncle Nunzi is upbeat he likes to reminisce about “the good old days.” Uncle’s definition of the good old days is a time when people preferred to make their own wine and not buy what he derogatively refers to as “state store wine.” According to Uncle Nunzi, if wine is sold in a state store, it is automatically inferior. He believes that a good wine should be at least 22 percent alcohol, not 10 or 12. One conspiracy theory that Uncle fervently subscribes to is that state store wine is watered down. Is it Dom Perignon? No matter. If it’s sold in a state store, it’s just “state store wine.” I was about to tell Uncle that our local supermarket is now selling wine, but I thought it best to get off the subject lest Uncle’s mood turn dark. Instead I turned the subject to Halloween. Uncle loves the American holiday.
Asked about how he spent this recent Halloween, Uncle told me that he gave out torrone (Italian nougat candy) to trick- or-treaters. He surprised me by telling me how he used to love it when I was a kid, and came to his door dressed in my Halloween costume. “One year you got a lot of attention,” he said. “You came dressed as the Holy Ghost.” “The third member of The Blessed Trinity?” I asked. Uncle reminded me that at the tender age of eight, for some reason I had a fixation with the Holy Ghost. “You thought he didn’t get enough attention,” he said. “There’s the Father and the Son, who get all the attention, but who ever talks about the Holy Ghost? That’s what you said.” Uncle poured some of his wine from a prune juice bottle into his water glass. “The neighbors thought you were Casper the Friendly Ghost, but you insisted you were part of the Blessed Trinity. They were impressed, but I knew you were a bit of a show-off even back then.”
With Uncle you never knew where the conversation would turn and he suddenly brought up the subject of Chinese food. I think the appearance of a TV ad for antacid medication may have caused his abrupt change of subject. The ad featured General Tso’s chicken. Uncle can never remember the name of that particular general, and often refers to the dish as General Washington’s chicken. As one who considers himself patriotic, Uncle often substitutes “Washington” whenever he forgets a proper name (the new Eagles quarterback is Carson “Washington”).
Inevitably when we get around to discussing Chinese food, Uncle wonders aloud about the utility of chopsticks. Uncle bows to no one in his respect for Chinese innovation, but he believes that chopsticks are vastly overrated. This is one area where Uncle and I are in agreement. If there is one thing in which the western world has outpaced the Chinese it is in the invention of the fork. Historians tell us that the fork was likely invented during the time of the Byzantine Empire and perhaps even can be traced back to Ancient Greece. There is no greater pleasure, as Uncle likes to say, then the art of twirling your spaghetti with a fork. With the possible exception of handling peas, Uncle believes that the fork is one of the premier inventions in the history of kitchen utilities. I add that while it is understandable that the Chinese continue to prefer chopsticks for what may be cultural pride, it is downright pretentious for Americans to use them when dining in Asian restaurants. Uncle theorizes that these Americans are just “showoffs,” quite possibly of Abruzzese descent (Uncle loves the Abruzzese, but is inclined to believe that they are inherently showoffs).
I glanced over at Uncle’s new HD television set. “How do you like your new TV?” I asked. Uncle told me he got a good buy on it because the salesman told him that the new ultra high definition sets are phasing out these HD models. Uncle doesn’t understand why anyone would need ultra high definition television. “I can already see the little hairs growing out of Jim Gardner’s ears” is the way he put it. I noticed that instead of using the remote control, Uncle got up to change the channel (he rarely watches anything but the Weather Channel, except when Kelly Ripa is on. Uncle has formed an intense dislike for Michael Strahan and believes that he betrayed Kelly by leaving the show). “Why don’t you use the remote?” I asked. Uncle explained that he gets more exercise this way. “But you only change the channel twice a day to put on Kelly Ripa and then to go back to the Weather Channel when her show is over.”
“Then maybe they should put Kelly on more often,” he replied. SPR
(Tom Cardella can be seen along with Paul Jolovitz on MONDAY NIGHT KICKOFF Monday nights at 6 PM streaming on WBCB TV)
