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Folks always ask me how I come up with topics for my column? Sometimes it’s just a matter of picking out what I consider the most important stories of the past week and sharing my ignorance about them with you, dear reader. I confess it’s not always easy to figure out. For instance, this past week, we had the terrorist attack in Paris; the unsettling news that Vanna White is leaving “Wheel of Fortune”; the NCAA trying to figure out whether to restore the wins it took away from Joe Paterno; a story about Chipotle fast-food outlets that wound up with the unfortunate headline: Chipotle pulls its pork; the disclosure that film star Billy Bob Thornton’s lifelong goal has been to sleep with Jennifer Aniston; Don Tollefson defending his alleged misuse of charity funds as the result of his being “a bad business man;” the president proposing the government offer the first two years of community college tuition-free; Mitt Romney admitting he is considering yet another run for president; City Council President Darrell Clark announcing he will not run for mayor; and “Glee” star Naya Rivera declaring white folks tend to shower more frequently than ethnics. Your columnist will share his views on the reasons behind each of these news developments.
Terrorist attack in Paris: It’s not as if Americans don’t care about the slaughter of 12 employees of Charlie Hebdo, we do. But in our heart of hearts, we know every international incident is always about us. So we saved our outrage for the fact that President Barack Obama did not attend the unity demonstrations in Paris. Barack, I’m aware that there were football playoffs this past weekend, but it’s not as if the Bears were playing in them. Conservatives who normally hate the French shockingly found solidarity with an atheist newspaper that regularly prints “offensive” cartoons about all religions (Rush Limbaugh even vowed to begin drinking French cognac again. I hear he had never given up the triple creme brie.). Bottom line: The president messed up, but it’s not as if he let Osama bin Laden get away. The conservatives love affair with Europe will disappear as soon as the conversation gets back to health care.
Vanna White: Vanna stunned both the audience and host Pat Sajak when she announced she’s leaving “Wheel of Fortune.” Bottom line: Vanna loves turning letters, but feels she is capable of much more. She is seeking an acting job that would involve turning letters.
The NCAA and the legend of Joe Paterno: The NCAA admits it is considering restoring the wins it took away when punishing Paterno as if he were the pedophile. Bottom line: I believe Joe’s statue will be placed back on campus since it was drawing too many gawkers standing next to a nearby Wendy’s. Also, by putting the statue back, it will give Penn State alumni and students an opportunity to think about other things like world hunger.
Chipotle pulls its pork: The fast-food chain announced it’s removing pork from its menu because its supplier was violating humane standards in how it treated its hogs before slaughtering them. Bottom line: No word whether Chiptole is considering removing all food from its menu because it violates humane standards of good taste. Tip to the MSN website: Is it true that Seth MacFarlane wrote that headline?
Billy Bob Thornton’s life-long goal. Bottom line: There is nothing wrong with putting sex with Jennifer Aniston at the top of one’s bucket list; however, after being married to Angelina Jolie, there is this thing about being a little greedy.
Don Tollefson: The former sports anchor (full disclosure — I worked with Tollefson briefly and like him) says his lapses involving charity contributions for sports tickets were essentially because he has never been a good businessman. Bottom line: You spent three years at Stanford, Don, and didn’t take any business courses?
Obama’s tuition-free plan: The president’s proposal would provide students with two years of community college free of tuition so long as they made the effort to keep up with their studies. Bottom line: Not satisfied with wrecking America by providing health coverage to millions who had been without it, “the worst president ever,” according to some conservatives, is now providing an opportunity for more Americans to acquire a college education. What’s next, a chicken in every pot?
Mitt Romney mulls another run for president
Bottom line: Some observers see Romney’s statement as a challenge to Jeb Bush, otherwise known as the sane Republican in the race. But I see it this way — you’ll never catch Mitt wearing an orange sweater or slobbering over Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones, like you-know-who.
Naya Rivera on showering: The “Glee” star believes “showering daily is such a white people thing.” Bottom line: I never noticed frequent showering was a big thing with the white guys I knew growing up.
Darrell Clark not running for mayor Bottom line: I guess trying to get a fundraiser sponsored by PGW didn’t work too well for him. Somebody, wake up City Controller Alan Butkovitz. You can run now, not that anyone cares.
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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