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I’ll let you in on a little secret. It is so much easier to write a column when you’re scheduled for print on a special day. For instance, last week’s column came out on Groundhog Day, so all I needed to do was to write about the banal tradition (columnists love Groundhog Day). With great hope, I checked the calendar for Feb. 9 and frankly, it has not been helpful. This is where you come in, dear reader. I am going to let you decide if anything really important happened on this date.
474: Zeno was crowned as co-emperor of the Byzantine Empire. Apparently Steve Spagnolo wasn’t available then either.
1267: The Synod of Breslau ordered the Jews of Silesia to wear special caps. One young Jew remarked, “It’s happening already?” I am happy to report that Jews and non-Jews banded together to wear the same cap like the one Frank Sinatra wore “Come Dance With Me.”
1537: Pope Paul III routed Cardinal Pole to England. This was in retaliation for the Brits routing Cardinal English to Poland.
1555: The Bishop of Gloucester was burned at the stake. He had closed a number of religious schools in the area.
1674: The English reconquered New York from the Netherlands. If they hadn’t, the New York Metropolitans would be the New York Grootstedlijkes (and they’d still stink).
1775: The English Parliament declared the colony of Massachusetts in rebellion. “Too liberal,” they sniffed.
1861: Jefferson Davis was elected president of the Confederate States of America. Newt Gingrich is said to be in line for that post today.
1870: The U.S. Army established the U.S. National Weather Service and promptly got the long range winter forecast wrong.
1891: The first shipment of asparagus arrived in San Francisco. Someone in my family called the vegetable “asparagrass.”
1920: A Joint Rules Committee banned foreign substances from baseballs. Yeah, right.
1926: Teaching the heory of Evolution was forbidden in Atlanta schools. Rick Santorum declared in 2012 that Atlanta was ahead of its time.
1942: The Philadelphia “Phillies” changed their nickname (temporarily) to “Phils.” This change proved as temporary as the Bush tax cuts.
1950: Sen. Joseph McCarthy charged the State Department was infested with 205 communists. Last month, Gingrich charged that the State Department is infested with 205 socialists, thus proving that America is less radical today.
1956: R. Lacoste followed Catroux as Algeria’s premier and is sworn in wearing a pink polo shirt with an alligator logo.
1964: It marked the first appearance of The Beatles on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” My mother yelled, “Turn that crap off.”
1971: “All in the Family” had the first gay-themed episode. Previously gay-themed shows were seen on “All in the Closet.”
1985: Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” album went No. 1 for three weeks. Today no one remembers what it means to be just like a virgin.
1990: Namibia’s constitution was ratified and promptly is violated.
1992: The record was set for the world’s fastest yodeler. He went on to have a lucrative career calling the goats in the Swiss Alps.
1994: I sraeli Minister Shimon Peres signed accord with the Palestine Liberation Organization’s Yassir Arafat, who is photographed with his fingers crossed behind his back.
Nothing much happened Feb. 9 after ’94, so I will predict what will happen today.
A student by the name of Lenny Milcher googled a question about the use of the spice tamarind and received the Google reply “How the hell should i know?” …
The Mitt Romney campaign admits that the story about the Romney dog running away after being tied to the roof of the family station wagon for 12 hours is true. PETA protests. Tony Dungy offers Romney his spiritual guidance …
A study of the incredibly high NFL Pro Bowl TV ratings reveals that Parents actually propped their kids in front of the television set and stole the upstairs for some afternoon delight. In reality, only 13 people actually watched the game and they are being referred for psychiatric treatment today. …
Florists are busy marking up the price of roses by 25 percent in preparation for Valentine’s Day. …
The Sixers continue to win, but the media refuse to believe the team is for real until it obtains a temperamental star who misses practice, gambles huge sums in Atlantic City and gets into two fights a week in a local after-hours club. …
A person who declares herself “very poor” endorses Romney because of his statement that “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” The woman admits she hates it when folks worry about her. …
Because nothing really important ever happens Feb. 9, the day is declared Seinfeld Day in honor of the TV show about nothing. … SPR
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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