28043877
I have just finished reading an extensive excerpt of the publishing sensation “Fifty Shades of Grey.” The novel is part of a trilogy of what is being described as “Mommy porn.” Being somewhat of an expert on “Daddy porn,” I became curious as to the difference between the two genres. Here is what I have discovered.
Men don’t read porn mainly because, for the most part, men don’t read. Really, if you did away with Tom Clancy (a secret and fervent wish of mine), men would just peruse picture books. Because men don’t read, nobody publishes porn novels for them. The chance of a man reading a trilogy of porn novels is roughly equivalent to a man watching porn films for the sophisticated dialogue. A man will watch three minutes of a porn film, get what he wants and then turn on the NBA playoffs.
In the entire excerpt I read of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” the sexiest moment that occurs is when the female interviewer blushes because Mr. Grey has a penetrating (a sly double entendre, no doubt) gaze and touches his trembling upper lip. Even if men did read, they would need a graphic sex scene no later than the second paragraph to continue reading. To men, “Fifty Shades of Grey” is not porn, it’s literature and men don’t do literature.
The description of the mysterious Mr. Grey reminded me a bit of Donald Trump. Mr. Grey is all-powerful, employs 20,000 people and boasts that if he failed, these people couldn’t pay their mortgages. In no way did I find those words erotic. Rather it seemed as if Mr. Grey were arguing for lower business taxes. I understand the sex in the novel is primarily of the sadomasochistic variety or, as it is known, S&M.
Personally, I have never understood the allure of S&M. I have made it a habit to stay away from dungeons and women carrying whips and chains. The first time I got whipped, I’d be asking for a Band-Aid and any sensual moment would be irretrievably lost. I also don’t see why anyone would want to dress in leather or latex. My preference is for 100 percent pure cotton. Even wool makes me itchy; latex would most definitely give me a rash, particularly in warm weather. If I wore one of those leather S&M outfits, with my luck, I’d get caught in the rain. If a woman locked me in handcuffs, chances are she would lose the key and then where I would I be? I am not an advocate of the pleasure-pain principle. I strongly adhere to the pleasure-pleasure principle. If I ever decided to commit suicide, I would kill myself with kindness.
In “Fifty Shades of Grey,” the female prefers the submissive role. That hasn’t been my real-life experience. There isn’t a woman in my life who hasn’t wanted to beat the crap out of me at one time or another — never the reverse. If I showed up with a whip and chains and demanded submission, all of the women I know would react with a knee to my crotch. In my experience, women don’t need a whip to dominate you, just your credit card. Even in the porn world, it is usually the male who craves the dominatrix. Quite often he pays for the experience. I guess that is why the popularity of “Fifty Shades of Grey” among females puzzles me.
I call the difference between men’s and women’s tastes in erotica “the porno divide.” Women enjoy the fantasy of sex because they have been blessed with an imagination. Let’s face it. To make love to most men with a beer belly hanging over their jockey shorts, you need a great imagination. If my wife wants to think I’m George Clooney when we are making love, I’m not jealous. I’m in awe of her power of creative imagination.
The female imagination lends itself to subtlety, while males, lacking imagination, crave the graphic. For females, “Fifty Shades Of Grey” may represent erotic. For men, a porno film needs no title, just a description such as “orgy takes place at a plumbing supply warehouse with three Asian females, two white construction workers and a transgender mixed- race Certified Public Accountant.” The film description also includes the specific sex acts that will be performed (the description is in street slang lest the male viewer not understand what it is he will see) and whether or not there is body hair on the participants.
Women do not like to admit that they have the slightest interest in erotica. Men will stop at the local gentlemen’s club on their lunch hour to catch a personal appearance by Jenna Jameson and then show her autograph to their wife. The advent of technology such as the Kindle and the NOOK allow women to read “Fifty Shades of Grey” in relative privacy, even at their swim club. Men don’t worry about the niceties of privacy when it comes to sex. Men take sexy photos of their girlfriends and wives and show them on YouTube.
So girls, enjoy “Fifty Shades of Grey,” but don’t be surprised if your male squeeze picks up the novel out of curiosity and quickly tosses it aside with the same level of interest he has in a Bed Bath & Beyond catalog.
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
28043877
