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(A time capsule was found in the year 2112 that yielded, among other things, barely legible notes from an anonymous source on the 2012 presidential election)
“It was odd the way it happened. All of the experts had predicted the presidential campaign would be about the sagging economy and high unemployment. One friend had a master’s degree in civil engineering, so I didn’t feel so bad being jobless with only a measly bachelor’s degree in liberal arts. We both had student loans we carried around our necks like an albatross (come to think of it, I had never seen an albatross, but whatever it looked like I knew I didn’t want to carry one around my neck).
“The president was at his wits end. He had resigned himself to being a one-term president and started auditioning as an R&B singer on the campaign trail. The Republicans were poised to nominate Mitt Romney whose credentials included being Massachusetts governor and head of Bain Capital. You could imagine seeing his features chiseled on Mount Rushmore. He was smart too, except maybe the time he tied the family dog to the roof of his car. But suddenly the campaign changed profoundly and would never be the same.
“A former Pennsylvania senator — Rick Santorum — also was running, but not taken too seriously. He was bankrolled by a wealthy guy named Foster Friess, whose claim to fame was his contraception idea, something about having a woman place an aspirin between her knees.
“Rick began talking theology and his campaign caught fire. He believed in the need for sexual restraint, and it seemed as if every Republican but Newt Gingrich took a liking to the idea. The last time Santorum ran for public office, he had lost his senate seat by 18 points (perhaps, he didn’t talk enough about sex), but he talked about that campaign as if he had won. Santorum didn’t seem very interested in economics, but he certainly knew his Baltimore catechism, and that turned out to be the turning point.
“Rick began preaching about the evils of abortion, but that turned out to be only the beginning. Mitt had already flipped on abortion, so he figured no problem. What threw Romney for a loop was when Santorum also came out against birth control, prenatal care and working wives. There were rumors Romney said privately that Santorum was “more Catholic than the Pope.” Romney denies ever saying any such thing. I think Mitt being a Mormon and not wanting to get into any religious wrangle with Santorum (Catholics far outnumber Mormons as everyone east of Salt Lake City knows) would not have been stupid enough to make such a remark.
“Rick wasn’t satisfied with having stirred the pot. He felt it his obligation to reveal Satan’s plan to overthrow the United States. Please don’t get confused by this remark the way Romney did. Mitt thought Rick was talking about ‘the Great Satan’ that overthrew Saddam Hussein. Believe it or not, I think it was Rick Perry who called Romney from the governor’s mansion in Austin to tell him “the Great Satan” was actually us, at least in the eyes of our enemies (and some of our friends) in the Middle East. This left Romney totally confused, which is the way Santorum wanted it, and the reason why Perry had to drop out.
“Santorum had changed the race. There were more political pundits talking about the meaning of Santorum’s sweater vest than the lack of growth in the Gross Domestic Product.
“In Virginia, Republicans came up with an idea to force women to have an ultrasound, even a transvaginal ultrasound, before they could have an abortion (by the way abortions are legal at the present time). Even Republican Gov. Robert McConnell thought that went too far. The governor’s wife had told him if his legislature was going to force her to have a wand shoved up a woman’s wahoo before she could have a legal abortion then she was going to propose men have to visit a proctologist every time they wanted their partners to have anal sex. A female legislator proposed a bill that would limit men from getting their medical insurance to pay for Viagra unless it led directly to procreation.
“Meanwhile the president just stayed on the sidelines as Republicans shouted sex stuff at one another. Once in a while he appeared in public to mention a favorable economic indicator. Santorum defended the notion that we might need an exorcism rather than an election to get Obama out of The White House. Romney tried to respond during one of the debates, but Rick flashed a crucifix in his face like the way Van Helsing did to Dracula …”
(At this point, the rest of the notes were missing. Note: The president won re-election carrying 45 states in 2012, in spite of the fact the economy was still in the toilet. Romney retired from politics and purchased the Utah Jazz. Santorum became a successful lecturer at Communion breakfasts. The Republican Party removed all sexual issues from its political platform and won The White House in ’16.)
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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