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We were riding past a billboard with a picture of Courtney Cox. The ad was for her new TV show this fall, "Cougar Town." I wondered in my senior naivete, is there a new meaning for the word "cougar"? I looked up the Wikipedia definition (if you also are wondering what is a Wikipedia, you are hopelessly out of touch and might as well quit reading the rest of this column and go back to your Reader’s Digest). It defines a "cougar" as a predatory older woman in search of thrills with a younger man.
Females always have correctly complained about the double standard in our society when it comes to dealing with sexual matters between men and women, but the reverse is true here. Why is an older woman on the prowl for young studs labeled a "cougar" while, in the reverse situation, the male is put down as a "dirty old man"? A female friend pointed out to me such older men also are called "sugar daddies." However, those of us without a lot of dough are visibly lacking in sugar, making that alternative highly inappropriate.
What seems to be the ultimate truism in the case of a cougar and a dirty old man is never the twain will meet. This is most unfortunate because it would save older women and men a lot of time hanging out at singles’ bars waiting for the band to play "Funky Town." Really, why do oldsters think hot young bodies would have the slightest interest in them? Spare me the cliche about the experience of older lovers. What good is experience when you lie in bed fearing your partner will turn on the lights? Trading cellulite for experience is no trade at all.
It would be different if all cougars looked like Cox and all dirty old men looked like Richard Gere. But let’s face reality, cougars are more likely to resemble your mother and the typical dirty old man looks like your next door neighbor who plays right field in a softball beer league (think Matt Stairs).
I know Dr. Phil has told you the best sex is in the mind and not visual, but when someone looks as unappealing as Dr. Phil, you understand why he is feeding you that bunk. Besides, the real problem is in their youth, men tend to think about sex all the time while their wives would rather watch the weather forecast and David Letterman’s monologue. When women finally awaken from their sexual torpor, no matter what those Viagra ads say, older men would rather watch Monday Night Football. It’s nature’s cruel joke.
As a male, let me give you females a little insight: If you want to understand the sad history of male sexuality, listen and watch the advertising aimed at men of differing ages. During three hours of a sports talk show, the ads aimed at males primarily focused on their inability to perform or their inferiority complex about the size of their genitalia. Since listeners consist mainly of males 25 to 54, you could reasonably conclude most American men from youth to middle age are totally inadequate sexually.
The others ads aimed at men during the same show are usually for strip joints and adult video stores. In strip joints (now known as "gentlemen’s clubs"), men fancy women are into them because they’re such attractive guys rather than for the bills they keep stuffing down the dancers’ G-strings. Like strip joints, what are adult videos promising other than the fulfillment of the frustrated male’s fantasy?
Yet the glut of TV advertising for the various pharmaceuticals designed to combat what is politely termed "erectile dysfunction" sells another type of fantasy to older males: A return to the vigorous days of their youth. Here we see older couples waltzing around the living room (no doubt to the strains of Lawrence Welk) supposedly after the male has swallowed the Magic Pill. I don’t know about you, but when they wink before closing the bedroom door, I get nauseous rather than amorous.
What the older male fails to realize is, by this time, his woman is dreaming of making it with Brad Pitt not the John Goodman look-a-like husband who is leering at her. It’s not a Magic Pill he needs as badly as to lose 20 pounds and his football addiction.
The other thing that bothers me is Cox has already become the older woman. Wasn’t it just yesterday she was romping in "Friends" as a hot, young chick? Did I miss something? Is Jennifer Aniston now nursing home material or just another cougar?
