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Paul Simon suggested “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” Financial complications being what they are, it may be more advantageous if you get them to leave you. Here’s a primer on how to do it. Oh by the way, happy Valentine’s Day!
For guys:
1. When she shows up at bedtime in a skimpy negligee, respond by saying, “won’t you be a little chilly in that thing?”
2. Tell her Charlie Sheen is your role model.
3. When you see her in a bikini out by the pool, tell her she reminds you of Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings.
4. While watching “Modern Family,” tell her you don’t know whether you’re more attracted to Mitch or Cam.
5. When she asks why you didn’t write a Valentine’s Day poem, tell her you couldn’t find a word that rhymes with Hosni Mubarak.
6. When she asks why you didn’t get her a gift for Valentine’s Day, look surprised and say, “Valentine’s Day? Isn’t that the holiday that comes around once every four years?”
7. For Valentine’s Day, give her a gift subscription to Jenny Craig.
8. Instead of singing “My Funny Valentine” to her this year, recite the words to “Under My Thumb.”
9. Suggest a threesome with Roseanne Barr.
10. Suggest that the next time she travels to see her sister she buy a one-way ticket because the discount is better.
11. Buy her a vacuum cleaner for Valentine’s Day and place a pretty red bow on it.
12. When she asks you if you would give your life for her, act indecisive.
13. Tell her you can’t take her to dinner this Valentine’s Day because it falls on poker night.
14. Casually remark that the last time that you found her attractive was because you overdosed on the little blue pill.
15. Ask her why she doesn’t dress more like Ellen DeGeneres.
16. Turn on the all-news station and say, “they’re playing our song.”
17. When she praises the flowers you bring her, tell her you borrowed them from a friend and they have to returned by midnight.
18. If she’s a dog lover, buy her a Michael Vick jersey.
19. As you’re getting ready for bed each night, clear your throat and say, “time’s yours.”
20. Tell her your favorite romantic movie of all time is “Saw.”
21. Sneak out in the middle of the night, leaving behind a note with the lyrics of “By the Time I Get to Phoenix.”
22. Start dressing like Alice Cooper when you take her out.
23. Take her for midnight ride on the Broad Street subway while you admire the scenery.
24. If she works for the City, tell her why you hate DROP.v
25. Take her to a nice restaurant. Confess that you are a pyromaniac. Set the tablecloth on fire to prove it.
For girls:
26. Get weekly massages from someone named Big Chico.
27. Talk in your sleep. Breathe deeply and whisper the words Big Chico.
28. Just as he turns on the Super Bowl pre-pre-pre-game show, remind him that he agreed to attend the ballet tonight with Joan and Max (and Max is not a football fan).
29. Tell him your mother is moving in with you, but it’s probably just temporary, like a year.
30. Start purchasing baby clothes for identical twins.
31. Say to him, ”honey, would a man still love his wife if she has genital herpes? Hypothetically, I mean.”
32. Allow him to find out that you’ve just increased his life insurance. Explain it is just because you want to be prepared should anything happen to him.
33. Tape “The View” so he has to watch it with you every evening.
34. Every time he tries to tell you a joke, beat him to the punch line.
35. Tell him that you wanted to write a Valentine poem for him, but you couldn’t find a word to rhyme with impotent.
36. Hide his beer.
37. Cut out all the coupons from his morning sports page before he reads it.
38. Read a Lisa Scottoline column to him and insist he listen to every word.
39. Insist he hang up his clothes and change his underwear and socks on a daily basis (if he doesn’t leave you after that, you might have to consider hiring a hit man).
40. Inform him you’ve become a vegan and you won’t be serving meat anymore. Assure him that he won’t be able to tell a soy bean “meat” ball from the real thing.
41. Tell him you have enrolled the both of you in a book club and the first five assigned books were written by Lisa Scottoline. Assure him that he will just adore “Message in a Bottle.”
42. Throw out all his sports scrapbooks and then act surprised when he walks out of your life forever.
43. Ask him why he doesn’t watch more women’s basketball. Compare the Lady Huskies’ winning streak to that of the UCLA men’s teams under John Wooden. Ask who would have won a matchup between the two teams. Hint that you believe the Lady Huskies would have had a shot.
44. Suggest there is no reason why he should have a man cave without you having your own space too. Ensure him the kitchen is not an acceptable location.
45. Suggest a threesome with George Clooney.
46. Beat him at picking football pools.
47. Irresponsible use of your credit card is a sure winner.
48. When he asks you if it was good for you, start singing the Peggy Lee hit, “Is That All There Is?”
49. Assure him that even though your girlfriends have commented on his man-breasts, you are not bothered in the least — at least most of the time.
50. When he comes home from work one day, casually mention that you didn’t realize a little fender bender could cause so much damage. After a suitable pause, ask him if he thinks you’re still covered even though you forgot to pay the insurance premiums. SPR
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