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It has come to my attention some of my readers don’t know when to take my column seriously. Don’t worry about it. If you laugh at a column that is intended to be serious, at least you have enjoyed the healthful effects of a good chuckle, and if you are wrong, you can always read Kevin Ferris in The Inquirer if you feel the need to get serious. My Uncle Nunzio claims being misunderstood is the price I pay for omitting him from any of my columns.
To prove I am a serious person, I am considering authoring a guide to know when I am being serious or not. For example, never take me seriously when I write about the Republican Party, especially in Philadelphia. You can always get a cheap laugh when discussing local politics, if your anecdote ends with the word “Republicans.”
What about when my subject is the national Republican Party? I personally find any political party that believes you can shrink the federal budget deficit by cutting taxes has a wonderful sense of irony. But that’s just me. However, the chance any of the current Republican candidates could become president should be treated very seriously — like a drone missile aimed at your house.
Anytime I discuss the “n-word,” I realize I should be deadly serious. No one ever dares utter the word even when reporting the news. In fact, other than on rap songs and the HBO series “The Wire,” it is always referred to as the “n-word.” Uncle Nunzi has never listened to rap music nor does he have HBO, so he is not certain of the identity of the “n-word.” He has made several guesses — “Neapolitan,” “ness” (as in Nessun Dorma), “neat” (he has heard Sarah Palin use that word a lot), and “nasty” (he uses that word a lot when describing my columns).
If I ever write a column about Lindsay Lohan posing “tastefully” for Playboy, don’t take me seriously. Lohan and “tasteful” should never be used in the same sentence without a sense of humor.
I am not sure how I would treat Prince Harry shopping at a Walmart. On one hand, there is a touch of the absurd in a member of the royal family shopping at Walmart. On the other hand, if a prince can spend the night with a cocktail waitress, why shouldn’t he visit a Walmart?
Any column I ever write about birth control should not be taken seriously. No one does except elected officials, even Catholics whose birth-control rate in the U.S. mirrors that of other religions. Yet as some states try to place more restrictions on abortion, the definition has become so broad that legal scholars are afraid birth control might fall under the ban. Wonder how states would enforce a ban on birth control? Supply your own punch line here.
Take the phrase “serious as a heart attack.” While I take the possibility of a heart attack very seriously (I take an extra cholesterol pill whenever I pass KFC), I don’t take the banality of the phrase very seriously. There are all kinds of stupid things people take as “serious as a heart attack,” none of them as serious as a heart attack.
It’s like comparing various public figures to Hitler. Historians will not be able to figure out the identity of the real Hitler 100 years from now. Webster’s Dictionary of the future will define “Hitler” as anyone unpopular with any particular segment of the American public. Books will be written on whether it is possible that America elected two presidents named “Bush” and “Obama” who were really Hitler. I take that possible development extremely serious.
I take Andy Reid seriously, especially when he tries to be funny. Maybe it is the way he punctuates his attempts at levity by clearing his throat. This is not to say Reid can’t be funny. For instance, when he named Juan Castillo as his defensive coordinator, that was positively hilarious.
Mayor Michael Nutter is a serious man with a funny last name. I mean no disrespect to the mayor, but I find his surname reminiscent of something marketed under the Skippy label. Incidentally, I can’t take anyone with the nickname “Skippy” serious either.
It has disturbed some of my liberal friends that I don’t take Occupy Wall Street very seriously. Maybe it is because anyone that punctuates their protest with bongo drums is difficult to take seriously. The last time I heard bongos, Maynard Krebs was popular. I do take the increasing gap between rich and poor in this country very seriously, but I am not sure how squatting in Dilworth Plaza helps very much.
Better yet was the splinter protest at Eighth and Race streets against police brutality in other cities? That’s what I call a second-hand protest. And I can’t figure out what the protest in Oakland is all about anyway since Wall Street isn’t there, Al Davis is gone and the Raiders aren’t in last place, at least not yet.
I hope this little primer on the seriousness or lack thereof of my columns has been helpful. To summarize, a good rule of thumb on when to take me serious? Never. My family and friends don’t, why should you? SPR
Contact the South Philly Review at editor@southphillyreview.com.
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